Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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