laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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