What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
