there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
