it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
