Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
