Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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