at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
