I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
