Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
