I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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