she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
