why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
My pussy is not your playground.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
