Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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