just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
