Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
