Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
