It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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