Who did Billy Mays play for?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
