Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I fill condoms, not promises.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
