I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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