He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
