Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
