They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
the liver wants what the liver wants
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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