listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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