you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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