3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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