his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
third nipple confirmed
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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