After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
