trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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