You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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