She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
