I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My vagina is officially offended.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
