Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
