Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Randomize
