Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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