Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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