my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
