Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
