I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
