i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
