i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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