omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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