Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
