I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
