My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
