Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
