there's paper in my vomit.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
