Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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