Soap is not a condiment
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The convent might be a nice break from real life
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
