i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
