You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think your dad took our porno
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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