This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
