while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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