At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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