I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
