Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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