if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
