im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
