Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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