You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
