i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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